I came across this piece I had written a while back and never finished. As I read what I had written down, I felt that it was time to share.
“I broke down in his waiting room and started to cry. I put my hand on my chest and said, “My heart”, I don’t know what’s wrong with my heart.”
As I read this account posted by a friend, I felt every word. It was as if I was being transported to my very own waiting room. The tears threatened to spill but I denied them. I won’t cry. I’ve cried too much already, I say.
I find myself in the waiting room, clutching my chest. Not a physical one of course, but one I feel I can’t escape from without dealing with the pain. Writing to my friend I said, “I feel as if I’m in the waiting room of life, desperate to get answers for what is wrong with me. Waiting for someone to validate this feeling, this uneasiness, this longing to belong.”
The words just spilled out, words I didn’t even know were hiding in the corners of my heart. Words that were triggered by a post. The waiting room was where I was sitting waiting for someone to tell me what was wrong with me, although I knew, deep down that they would find nothing wrong.
The waiting room
What brought you to the waiting room, my friend? Is your heart hurting too? Have you been wounded? Betrayed? Faced a devastating loss? Have you been waiting for God to move on your behalf? Waiting for the answers to desperately uttered prayers?
Whatever brought you to the waiting room, know that you are not alone. As women, we tend to sit alone in our waiting, in our pain, we dare not show how desperate we are to find the answers to soothe our aching heart, all the while longing for a safe space to heal, to belong, to find ourselves again.
We are so hard on ourselves, we don’t give ourselves grace, forgiveness, or permission to let go, to move on, to get our wounds tended, to seek help. We sit hidden behind our screens, work, ministry, etc until we end up in the waiting room where we come face to face with what needs healing.
Can we trust even when we don’t understand?
Jesus told Peter “What I am doing you do not understand now, but afterward you will understand.” John 13:7 I feel like He is speaking to me also, is He speaking the same to you too? In the midst of confusion, or the unexpected, the detours of life, He asks us to trust Him.
We may not understand what God is doing but He assures us, as He did Peter, we will understand later. Jesus knows and He understands the pain of our hearts, the longing for an answer, being deeply troubled in our spirit, asking if there is another way. He was abandoned by his friends, He even prayed, “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.” (Matthew 26:39)
If you find yourself in a waiting room today, let Jesus take a look at your heart today. Trust Him. After all, He is the best heart specialist we can find.
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3
He sent out his word and healed them; he rescued them from the grave. Psalm 107:20
Bless the LORD, O my soul;
all that is within me, bless His holy name.
Bless the LORD, O my soul,
and do not forget all His kind deeds—
He who forgives all your iniquities
and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the Pit
and crowns you with loving devotion and compassion,
who satisfies you with good things,
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s. Psalm 103:1-5